taken from my journal
"only because I knew this time everyone were already asleep"
only for one night, i just wanted to shut d ears n eyes. i dont care anymore if they will even threw me stones. i just wanted to stop pretending.
i remember,
hitler said that, "if you tell a big enough lie n tell it frequently enough, it will be believed."
i guess it was true.n its not difficult to make them believe. i just need to tell them d same lie every time they ask me 'bout whether I was fine or not. n all i needed to do just faked my smile (laughs), n told them i was fine as usual. you know what, 'i will always give them the same answer, even at my worst'. it's not hard to play pretend, right?? oh,god, thats SUCK!!
should i feel guilty if they become worried because i'm not okay?? cuz, im really tired.
god, they even knew it was not true, then why did they never tired of asking me d same question? if you really want to know the truth, okay, i'll say it out loud this time, I'M NOT OKAAAAYYYYYY!!! too much pain that i buried secretly!! i dont need any sympathy.. But if they're really cared about me, stop asking, just help me, it's enough.
sometimes i wonder why i always different at night. but its feel so right (even hard), because its feel like i'm no longer a fake... make them feel much better by making me pretend that I'm fine, it is a burden. it was sore. It hurts.
maybe i've too often bury the pain, n sometimes there are times when d pain was gathered after me, reminding me that d pain never goes away, just hiding, n waiting for d time to get back to making me feel d eternal wound. That the thing that always haunts me every night, which makes me still awake till late.
i remember,
hitler said that, "if you tell a big enough lie n tell it frequently enough, it will be believed."
i guess it was true.n its not difficult to make them believe. i just need to tell them d same lie every time they ask me 'bout whether I was fine or not. n all i needed to do just faked my smile (laughs), n told them i was fine as usual. you know what, 'i will always give them the same answer, even at my worst'. it's not hard to play pretend, right?? oh,god, thats SUCK!!
should i feel guilty if they become worried because i'm not okay?? cuz, im really tired.
god, they even knew it was not true, then why did they never tired of asking me d same question? if you really want to know the truth, okay, i'll say it out loud this time, I'M NOT OKAAAAYYYYYY!!! too much pain that i buried secretly!! i dont need any sympathy.. But if they're really cared about me, stop asking, just help me, it's enough.
sometimes i wonder why i always different at night. but its feel so right (even hard), because its feel like i'm no longer a fake... make them feel much better by making me pretend that I'm fine, it is a burden. it was sore. It hurts.
maybe i've too often bury the pain, n sometimes there are times when d pain was gathered after me, reminding me that d pain never goes away, just hiding, n waiting for d time to get back to making me feel d eternal wound. That the thing that always haunts me every night, which makes me still awake till late.
never going to run right. (so dont make promises. cuz it would only make me more impossible to be repaired).
*god, i wish i was a car, so i can be repaired..
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tuesday, june 15th, 2010
02:39 am
here i am..
awake.
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